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A small collection of stuff that I think is funny............

This is MY kind of humor!!!
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NEVER PARK YOUR HORSE IN THE BAD PART OF TOWN!

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 WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON ICE?
Polaroids


 WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.


 WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro sinko.


8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk


WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.


 WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog


 WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

 WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A
HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag.

17. WHY DO PILGRIMS' PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.


 WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.

 WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP.
An Amish drive-by-shooting.


 WHAT DOES A
TEXAS TORNADO AND A NEW MEXICO DIVORCE HAVE IN
COMMON?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

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Honesty is the best policy...............


Back in the 60's, a jet manufacturer was trying to build a jet that would go mach 4 (4 times the speed of sound for you non-aeronautical types). Finally after many years of design, the jet was finished. A test pilot took it out for it's maiden flight. Everyone gathered around ... and the plane went to Mach1 ... Mach2 ... Mach3 ... Mach3.5 ... and the wings ripped off, the plan hit the ground and killed the test pilot.
The engineers went back to the design and spent months re-vamping it. They came out with the new and improved second version, but when they tested it, it had the same disastrous results: the plane's wings ripped off and the pilot was killed in the crash. The engineers went through 7 iterations, until finally they were about to give up.

They decided to contact Bob, a retired engineer with the reputation of being able to fix all problems.

Bob comes in, asks to see all the design figures, charts, and drawings, and takes them home to study them. He calls the next day and says he has discovered a solution to the problem: drill holes vertically through the wings at the exact spot where they attach to the body. At first everyone argues - the wings are ripping off now, why drill holes to them? but Bob insists that it will work. So eventually, they give in and do it.

The jet is tested later that day and not only does it reach Mach 4, but it goes to Mach 5.3 before the test is declared over and successful. All the engineers rush to Bob and congratulate him for his uncanny ability to discover the solution. "How did you know?" asks one of the engineers. "Well, I'll tell you. I was on the toilet, and it occurred to me - toilet paper never tears on the perforations".

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Ten Commandments of Electrical Safety
(Navy style)

I Beware of the lightning that lurketh in seemingly uncharged capacitors,
lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in an unseamanlike manner
and cause thy hair to stand on end, thereby exceeding regulation length.

II Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be
opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this earthly vale.

III Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou
worketh are grounded and thusly tagged, lest they lift thee to radio
frequency potential and causeth thee to radiate with the angels.

IV Tarry thou not amongst those fools that engage in intentional shocks, for
they are not long of this world and are surely unbelievers.

V Take care thou useth the proper method when thou taketh the measure of
high voltage so that thou dost not incinerate both thee and thy test
meter. For verily, though thou has no NSN and can be easily surveyed,
the test meter has one, and as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto thy
supply officer.

VI Take care thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, for this
incurreth the wrath of thy department head and bringeth the fury of thy
commanding officer on thy head.

VII Work thou not on energized equipment without proper procedures, for if
thou dost so, thy shipmates will surely be buying beers for thy widow and
consoling her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.

VIII Verily, verily, I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, for
electrical cooking is a slow process, and thou might sizzle in thy own
fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker sees fit to end
thy misery and drag thee into his fold.

IX Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou commence
to glow in the dark like a lightning bug and thy wife be frustrated and
have no further use for thee except for thy wages.

X Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are written
down in the 300th chapter of thy Bible which is the "Naval Ships'
Technical Manual", and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth
thee when thou hast suffered a ream job by thy division LPO.

The following truth..uh....I mean humor is couresty of, and copyright
http://www.sacredcowburgers.com

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....And then there's...............

ACLU TAKES OVER TERROR INVESTIGATION, WILL
FOCUS ATTENTION ON NO ONE IN PARTICULAR

"We Must Ask Nebraskans, Not Just Middle Easterners, What They Know"

 

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Sensitive to accusations of profiling specific groups, the Justice Department today announced that the American Civil Liberties Union has taken over the lead role in the terrorism investigation, a shift in strategy that frees up the government to conduct a less prejudicial, more inclusive probe that should take, roughly, forever.

"Instead of un-Constitutionally targeting specific groups, our investigation will expand the pool of interviews by more fairly including people of every ethnicity, every religion, every gender, and every sexual persuasion," said ACLU Executive Director Anthony D. Romero. "Right now, we are interviewing Caucasian farmers in Iowa, legally blind Wal-Mart employees in California, and gay Latino package store customers in Florida to see if they had contact with, or were involved with, those from the Middle East who carried out these attacks."

"For some reason, we haven't learned a thing so far," Romero conceded. "But I should note that we have yet to speak to Chinese-American loggers in the Northwest."

Using the new approach, the ACLU estimated the investigation will cost $2 trillion and take 750 years to complete.

And now, on to the dreaded...


ACLU INTERROGATION ROOM:

ACLU: Well, Mr. X — we call you Mr. X. to protect your identity.

Suspect: But my name is...

ACLU: Shhh... shhhh... none of that. We don't need to know. You are not a suspect. Now, Mr. X., what brings you here? And feel free not to tell me.

Suspect: I want to confess.

ACLU: Confess? Why? Have you been coerced into giving this confession by any government agency or official? Have you been threatened by any individual or entity with imprisonment, deportation, extradition, or the abrogation of your rights to freely participate in commerce?

Suspect: No, it's just that...

ACLU: Wait, did I coerce you into this? For the love of the First Amendment, say it wasn't me!

Suspect: It wasn't you.

ACLU: Ah, but you wouldn't tell me, would you? Classic trapped-suspect syndrome. You feel caged. You're afraid I'll rough you up and no one will hear. Mr. X, I'm sorry, but I must recuse myself from this interview and turn myself in to the authorities. You're free to go.

Suspect: But I don't want to go!

ACLU: Stop, you're torturing me!

(First interrogator exits, second ACLU interrogator enters)

ACLU: So, Mr. X, I understand you came here to confess to something.

Suspect: Yes. I wanted to say...

ACLU: Not so fast. First, I would like you to read this pamphlet we've prepared on your rights during an interview. It explains the kinds of tactics interrogators are likely to use to coerce you into confessing or divulging information. It explains your rights, particularly your right to remain silent.

Suspect: But I don't want to remain silent.

ACLU: Damn, my predecessor really worked you over, didn't he?

Suspect: No no. Listen, you don't understand where I'm coming from...

ACLU: Oh no you don't! We don't care where you come from. You are not here because of your background or who you know or what you believe. Those are private, Constitutionally protected matters.

Suspect: Look, I came here to tell you that I am one of them!

ACLU: One of who?

Suspect: The terrorists.

ACLU: Please don't use that term. It's wholly a matter of perspective. Wait, let me turn this powerful lamp on. There.

Suspect: You're shining it in your face. Aren't you supposed to shine it in my face?

ACLU: Either we are all subject to the harsh glare of accusation, or none of us are, Mr. X. Now continue. Or leave. Totally up to you.

Suspect: Well, I think what I did was wrong.

ACLU: That's really a matter for the courts to decide. Is there any admissable evidence of your alleged guilt? Wait, I move to strike that from the record. It's a leading question.

Suspect: But I do have proof. I have tapes, and printouts of emails, and photographs of all of us at our al Qaeda graduation, and at a strip club in Boca Raton. That's me with under the table there, with the g-string on my head.

ACLU: Attending a strip club performance is protected under freedom of expression.

Suspect: But there's more. I can also tell you the identities and whereabouts of many more of the conspirators. Here, I have written their names on this piece of paper.

ACLU: Really Mr. X, I don't know who you think you're dealing with, but you cannot seriously expect us to act on this information.

Suspect: Why not?

ACLU: This list is completely devoid of diversity. I see no Rogers, no Carmelas, no Mary Jane Jablowskis.

Suspect: That's because there were none.

ACLU: Unless you provide us with a more heterogeneous list, there's nothing we can do.

Suspect: So, what, you're not going to arrest me?

ACLU: Arrest you? All right, that's enough! Who sent you here?

Suspect: What?

ACLU: Oh you're good. You're damn good. Who sent you to check on us? Human Rights Watch? Greenpeace? Well, you can tell your tree-hugging superiors that we'll be interviewing Antarctic whales, too! And the Japanese fishing fleet!

Suspect: But I came here because I'm guilty.

ACLU: Wrong, you are innocent until proven otherwise. Now get out of here! Or stay where you are and exercise your right to freely assemble!

Suspect: You're nuttier than the FBI.

ACLU: I know. We're trying to get that added to the Bill of Rights.

Copyright 1999-2002, SatireWire.

 

The preceeding is copyrighted by satirewire.com. All rights reserved. Please visit their website for additional realistic reporting.

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This satire brought to you by latterdaylampoon.com
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Apologies to Mormons.... not really! Why not read THE BIBLE? Y'know...the ONLY testament of Jesus!